Nothing special about me, me, me!

As promised, here are some of the best lines from Dave Barry's Twilight parody, "Fangs of Endearment" (in which "Creepstone" =Forks, "Phil"=Edward, and "Pete"=Charlie):

• "Heaving a sigh of exasperation, I creaked open the truck door and, with my trademark charming clumsiness, fell out face-first."
• "Phil swooped me into his arms using the super vampire strength that he has in addition to his super vampire speed and his ability to read minds, perform complex mathematical calculations in his head, assemble a working nuclear submarine entirely from clock parts, and recite all the lyrics to Guys and Dolls backward."
• "I turned to Phil, but before I could speak I was struck dumb by the perfection of his chiseled cheekbones, and the realization that, of all the girls in the world, I was the one he found irresistibly attractive, as so many males do, although for the life of me I don't see why because as far as I am concerned there is nothing special about me, me, me."
• ". . . I turned with such haste that in my endearing clumsiness I would have smashed face-first into the large plate-glass main door if Phil had not yanked it off its hinges with one hand and flung it aside, decapitating two freshmen."
• "Pete is chief of police of Creepstone, but he is not exactly Sherlock Holmes, if you catch my drift. He has so far failed to pick up on the fact that my boyfriend is a vampire who spends every night in my room, and that my other boyfriend is a werewolf, and that Creepstone, not to mention the entire state of Washington, is teeming with violent homicidal supernatural creatures, about 60 percent of whom are trying to kill me personally."
• "'Wait a minute,' he puzzled. 'I'm not sure whether you're saying yes, or no, or maybe.'
  'I am,' I affirmed.
  'You are what?' he pressed.
  'Yes,' I clarified.
  'What?' he chagrinned."
• "She bared her teeth, revealing her needle-like fangs, which glinted brightly in the moonlight like some kind of sharp highly reflective things used in a simile."
• "In the crowd I caught sight of Phil, who had a look of deep horrified concern on his face, and even in that moment, knowing I was definitely going to die in seconds although obviously I didn't because here I am narrating this, I remember thinking how good-looking he was, and wondering how he got his hair to always stay at exactly that level of tousle."

Don't worry, I haven't spoiled the whole thing -- there's plenty more where that came from!